Understanding Identity: You Are Not What You Do
It’s pretty easy to default to what we do when describing who we are. You hear it all the time, at parties, during interviews, on dates, etc. Why is it when we hear the question ‘so tell me a little about yourself’ we freeze up and have a million thoughts cross our minds. I mean we know who we are, right? Why is it so hard to articulate that sometimes? And when we finally do, why do we start with what we do?
The answer is it’s easier to hide behind the roles and titles we hold in life rather than going into detail about who we are. It feels too personal so we suit up with our armor and have a battle of titles and descriptions. It’s scary to assign characteristics to yourself, because at the core of who we are feels like a constant work in progress.
The interesting thing here is that everyone is a work in progress. We all care tremendously about what others think of us (even the people that say they don’t). There’s nothing wrong with that and depending on who’s asking the above question, your answer may change based on relevance and comfort and that’s ok too.
We are multi-faceted, complex and deeply layered. Our roles and titles give us a container to express ourselves, like for instance I’m a daughter, sister, friend, coworker, entrepreneur, photographer, designer, writer, etc. We all have shades of who we are and how we express ourselves through these containers.
Our answers may shift based on who’s asking and why, but understanding who we are when we ask ourselves, well that is the big one.
So, if we aren’t what we do, then how do we identify and describe who we are?
Well, you are the characteristics, values, and virtues that you display within what you do, who you are and who you surround yourself with. We’ve gotten pretty good at hiding this depth even from ourselves, but understanding who you are and relishing in it, is the best way to live a fulfilled life.
Let’s talk through some examples…
When was the last time you did something and it felt ‘off,’ or you didn’t speak up when you knew you should have, or you tamed a behavior when deep down you really wanted to express it. These are just a few examples of us wrestling with our identities, intuition and instincts. We know when we’re not being honest with ourselves and we can only do that for so long before the truth hits us hard. This is why understanding and defining, our albeit ‘work in progress’ selves, is so important. If we give ourselves time to think and reflect on who we are, what we want and ultimately why we want it, decisions in life become just a little easier. All of a sudden you’re smarter and more intentional with your time, you choose people that align with and accept you for who you are, and you exude confidence and authenticity that will attract the first two effortlessly. We admire people that live in this space and the best part is, we can do the same thing.
I want to leave you with a couple of things to think about and try on your path to understanding and defining who you are.
The next time you’re asked the ‘so tell me a little about yourself’ question, try answering honestly and in the moment. It may feel really weird at first (being vulnerable kind of does that) but it will offer a new perspective to an otherwise anticipated response. Kind of like in Miss Congeniality, when Miss Rhode Island was asked to describe her ideal date, she chose April 25th, because it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket. Odd reference I know, but no one expected that answer and yeah you guessed it, everyone, including myself, started to think about which date they’d choose. It’s an offer to change the conversation. Maybe feel out the context of the conversation and the attentiveness of the person asking first, but try opening up with the raw truth about who you are and how you feel in the moment. This offers both people the opportunity to connect and share a memorable experience within an otherwise expected exchange.
Try to finish the sentence “I am …” This is a lot harder than it sounds and will likely come out as a rambling list at first, but that’s ok. Challenge yourself to think past the role, past the title and get to the core characteristics, values and virtues that you display in those positions. This is honestly a pretty fun exercise and ends up feeling like a little love letter to yourself.
You are more than what you do. You are more than the role or title you hold, and you are more than how others perceive you. Let this be a push to define the real you, for you. We all think we have an audience watching us but plot twist, it’s just you. You’re the main character, an audience of one. You only get one stage, how are you owning it?
